ive rethought my online-ness and i think i know what i want to do with myself but i'm still working at stuff so.. when i'm done i guess i'll note it or something. mmhm.
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I'm so unbelievably bored with the online teenage webpage community. Its just one big online popularity contest. Its just like the highschool i managed to avoid. Everyone judges everyone else on how their pages look, not what their content is. Sound familiar? Its just a way for those of us who aren't part of the elite in real life to be elite somewhere else. It doesn't bother me that much, but its just so trite. I'm working on a project right now. Hopefully, it'll work out. I've almost had my fill of the online teen community. I mean, goodness. I'm starting to capitilise letters! meh.
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So, i'm sitting here bored out fo my mind watching the Miss America pagant, and they had this group of five young males singing (i suppose thats what i have to call it, since it was musical notes coming from their mouths, but as for melody or harmony, thats a different story entirely). i believe the name of this young-female-geared popular music act was O-Town, if i'm not mistaken. The song they were "singing" was called My Liquid Dreams. The lyrics to the chorus go as follows, if my memory doesn't fail me: "i want a girl like All Saints, throw in a touch of Madonna's wild style, Janet Jacksons smile, with a body like Jennifer, and thats the star of my Liquid Dreams". I'm probably mistaken on some of the lyrics, but you get my point (i simply have to note that this show was hosted by none other than Donnie & Marie Osmond). (BARE WITH ME. THIS SOUNDS BAD FOR A FEW MOMENTS) Now, couple this with watching a Miss America Pagant, and i get a rather clear message about the ideals of beauty in this society. This doesn't really effect me personally, because I don't nessisarily care to be part of any of the members of O-Town's "Liquid Dreams" (i really love boys who have good singing voices. yum.), nor do i want my beauty to represent my country, especially since i have a rather large gap in my two front teeth, (thats not part of the american standards of beauty, i've noticed) and it'd look funny if i smiled. This doesn't piss me off, or throw me head first into my Grrrrl mode (that may be amusing, though), but it is sad that our scope of beauty in this country is so narrow. But then I point out to myself, that if every woman were accepted as beautiful for what she is, and every woman were their own definition of beauty, then what does that mean? Beauty isn't 'special' anymore. Beauty isn't revered as a Given Gift, or even a Plastic Surgion Given Gift. If beauty were as prevelant to everyone else as it is to me, then it would mean very little to most people. See, how most people see God/Spirituality is often how they also see Beauty. Something you have to work yourself to the point of exaustion to attain, something to be worshipped, something to be strived for. If people saw God as all-encompassing as it is, (everyone, everything, everywhere, all the time), then what would they have to work towards? Who would they have to appease other than themselves? If people saw Beauty as it actually is (everyone, everything, everywhere, all the time), then again, it would be nothing to work towards. I have a friend who is always talking about body issues, and physical things that will go away when she gets old. Shes always telling me her messurements, as though it makes her beautiful to have small messurements. And she doesn't like it, she doesn't understand it when i tell her thats none of my business, and that I honestly couldn't give a damned if I tried, because, also as Beauty, God is where you invest your faith in. If you believe Beauty to be 34, 24, 34C messurements, then thats what it is. If you believe God is an old white man on a cloud, then thats God. But the thing I do object to is forcing your beliefs onto other people. Once again, God and Beauty have their parrellels. Every magazine I open I see a completely unattainable ideal of Beauty, and on some of my lower occasions it can really be a burden to me that I could never be a model. I know countless humans who see these ideals and do their best to be Beautiful by that standard. Much is the case with orginised religion. People see this, or have it forced upon them that The Old White Man on the Cloud is God. And so they have to follow these rules and these codes to be at that level. So in the end it goes as this. God and Beauty run parrellel to one another. Beauty is an orginised religion, when, like God, its completely what you believe it is.
or i'm full of shit.
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oh my. well. i'm just not in the mood to do anything to my page or anything.. i'm annoyed with the teen webpage nonsense today, and self-expression-through-html in general. i'm being hypocritical and all, but.. yea. im good at being hypocritical. since i don't feel like opening my scribble.nu so i'll just write here.. ryans in town but im afraid i'll never get to see him. julies in new york meeting radiohead, which is just kinda like being punched in the jaw in an odd way. last night my brother decided to start pounding walls again. i just kinda.. wanna disappear today.. [insert comments about how my parents never loved me, my life is futile and no one understands my pain here].
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ohoh my. i have a large project. a very large project. as soon as its near-completion.. i shall note it.. but.. it'll rock.
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raerewrawera i got my radiohead tickets through fed-ex today.. oh my god. i fear i'm going to explode. i was out thriftstore shopping and i come home and theres a parcel from fed-ex and i start screaming and freaking out.. i'm still unable to look at them without grinning uncontrolably. my seats are 4 rows back from the pit, on Eds side. joyjoyjoyjyohappyhappynrserrYaY.
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well, as you can tell by my page, i got bored and decided i needed to html. tell me what you think.
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alright, so today jeremy comes and picks me up to go shopping for xaviers birthday gift, and so we go to the wherehouse. no luck. then we went to the local used record store. no luck. we stopped by mcdonalds and picked up apple pies and drove to another part of town blaring Lit jokingly and eating apple pies. we go to another wherehouse. no luck their either. but i did get to watch some radiohead blips there. which was nice. so then we go to the Tower, and we find it.. we head over to Xaviers house and we end up eating pizza, and listening to techno with a strobe-lite on.. it was fairly amusing. So i come home and on icq i have a message from Mac "Missed you again so I thought I would message you to say so = (. Hope to see you soon.". which was oddly reassuring... so i'm working on a new layout, hopefully it'll be interesting and fun and whatnot, but it'll probably be like all the others. you'll see soon enough i suppose.
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i have a bone to pick. so i was surfing around doing my usual daily routine of surfing the net of teen webpages with exceptional design, and i discovered something i hate more than goth pages with halfassed design (you know who you are)... and no it isn't the ability to make my mouse into a cross-hair in css.. its these fucking Boyfriend/Girlfriend/I'm in love with cliques and webrings. i mean, being in love and being happy about it is one thing, but do you seriously have to catigorise your page by being in love? now, i haven't been in a relationship for a good 11 months, and even then i wasn't in love. now maybe i'm missing the point. maybe being in love is so super-spectacular that you just HAVE to join a bunch of rings and put a bunch of codes on your page. i somehow doubt this. you were bound to fall in love someday, people. i don't know. maybe its hard for some people to find love or they feel like they never would have and then they did... but i never thought i'd find satisfaction with myself and my life, but i don't feel the need to catigorise myself by how i feel about myself. so why should someone need to catigorise themselves by what someone else feels for them? or i suppose if i don't want to be involved in that sorta catigorisation, i should just ignore it.. perhaps some people need to have some definition of themselves as "in love" or other manner of webrings out there.. but lord this one annoys me. flame me if you want, but make it educated. don't waste my time.
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i need to run down to the local drugstore. buy some jolly sucrets. i've been thinking a lot lately what i want to do with my site. my online-ness in general. i avoided making one of these teen journal webpage type mofos for a really long time, and i ended up in the game anyhow. i don't consider my writing all that good, but i have it up anyways.. i don't consider my jokes all that funny, but thats up, too. i don't consider my perspective that original... yea, you see what i mean. i'll find something to do with myself soon.
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kinda obsessed with this beth orton song right now called Central Reservation. the lyrics just work for me right now. well, i was pleasantly suprised to learn today that steph is going to start a blog.. i love just.. the way she sees things.. and the way she puts them into words.. and i'm also very happy for her that she gotradiohead tickets. for some reason, those counters that tell you who referred a person to your page really really make me paranoid.. i try to avoid them as much as possible.. of course i want one for my page.. i'd probably be the only one that shows up. i tried working on a new layout today and i was completely uninspired, so i gave up entirely. still trying to make this work on my page. without luck.
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still not having fun trying to make this blog appear on my page, in the specified location, or in any location for that matter. so today, i'm going to take money from my radiohead pants fund and go down to my mothers office on the UCSD campus andhelping one of her friends upload a page. see, my mother is in this HTML class right now. and i think she tried to buy zoloftian.com, but it didn't work. and speaking of, i'm supposed to help my aunt build a webpage for her husbands band. she wants me to send her URLs for places that have good deals on domains.. but i keep forgetting her e-mail address. so its been 10 days with this layout, and i should change it, in accordance with my new-layout-every-ten-days law, but i don't want to make another radiohead layout at this point.. so i'll do this.. i'll wait until i get my pictures developed and then scan the ones that'd make good layouts. until then... you'll have to suffer with this layout. boohoo.
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so i was sitting there eating some form of ramen tonight and i realised something i'd realised a thousand times before: you cannot eat ramen politely. it ALWAYS spills here and there and out of your mouth. its really very annoying. mac came online and now i don't feel like i quite tripped over my own feet. and why am i worried? lord only knows. i'm watching something on madonna.. her greatest moments on TV. shes got really scary-ass cheek-bones. its wrong. ooh. now something on groupies is on. good god. alright. i have to point this out. i'm sure other people have donet his before, but i have to.. if he was not famous, kid rock would just look like any other drug dealer and/or rapist. hes really so sleazy. and not good sleazy. the kinda guy who you think is undressing you with their eyes.. blatantly. and now this only has half my attention...
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alexis should be banned from hotmail after 12PM. i have a tendency to go in there and write really annoying, unnessisary e-mails that make me sound like i'm a nutcase. take last night for instance. my phone died as julie was talking about that fellow she seems to enjoy. and so i had all this stuff to say, and of course nowhere to say it. and so i ended up writing this really large stream of consciousness type e-mail to my dear friend mac and, as that usually goes, it turned out me sounding like i had issues. again. the fun never ends. boy i tell ya. ryan is sending me a bowie cover by SP right now.. with james singing. glee.
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i need to think of something to put in my 'fun' section. i haven't added anything to it for over a year.. i need to think.
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wassup. i'm just going to continue writing in this mofo until i get bored of it. yup. some really lovely people have signed my guestbook. elissa has a very perdy page and i like her writing quite a bit. april nicole has awesome design, and a marvelous perspective. visit them both or be subject to pain. purrrr. my feet are cold. i wrote out a cd list today, and its just so godawfully pathetic i don't even want to bother posting it. maybe after i get a job i'll reassess my cd situation. i don't know. i tend to get fixated on cds and find no use in buying new ones. so i was sitting there reading song interpretations at greenplastic.com, and i came upon this quote:
"i will say this- in it's own terrifying, mesmerizing way, " climbing up the walls" is the sexiest song ever. period.". i seriously can't believe someone actually said that. i mean, yea its true.. but i certainly could never have said it. balls i tell you. balls. i don't know. i'm perfectly fine with talking about Kid A/Radiohead. i'm not bored of it yet.. maybe i'll get over this radiohead fixation, maybe i won't. i don't care. i'm gonna get me that bear tattooed on my lower back when i turn 18. booyah. yea. im sure i'll write more in about 15 minutes.
"i will say this- in it's own terrifying, mesmerizing way, " climbing up the walls" is the sexiest song ever. period.". i seriously can't believe someone actually said that. i mean, yea its true.. but i certainly could never have said it. balls i tell you. balls. i don't know. i'm perfectly fine with talking about Kid A/Radiohead. i'm not bored of it yet.. maybe i'll get over this radiohead fixation, maybe i won't. i don't care. i'm gonna get me that bear tattooed on my lower back when i turn 18. booyah. yea. im sure i'll write more in about 15 minutes.
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alright so i came to the conclusion the only reason i got a blog was because i come up with these oh-so-witty oneliners, or i find these really god webpages and i simply MUST post them somewhere.. but of course, i cant just do that in scribble, and i cant just do taht on my main page because i didnt want to waste the time. but isnt that exactly what blogger is for? oh yes. when radiohead comes through america next year, im going to follow them - groupie style. booyah.
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goddamn.. that advert sucks so much.. i just don't feel indie at all. and you know what happens when alexis doesn't feel indie.. erm..
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hm.. it looks like i'm here until i figure out how to get this biznatch on my site (just ignore the above advert).
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alright so apparently i did something really wretched to my back in my sleep. plus, i still cant figure out how to make this mofo work.
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